just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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