it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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