when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
