Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize