when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
