I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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