im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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