just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
