my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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