It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
