You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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