I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
