im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
