When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
