you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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