Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
