considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just want nice things and good sex
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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