You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
