If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize