I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
