Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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