My cat gives me a boner
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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