Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
