he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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