The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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