mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
