brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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