If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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