I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
