She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
