can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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