Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
