You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
