I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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