nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize