I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
