I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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