You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
