Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Someone signed my nipple.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
