Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
