If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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