It's Friday. Sex?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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