You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
