My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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