i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
