Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
