What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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