"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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