So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
