I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
God I need to hump something, right now.
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