Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
