honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
