hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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