I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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