What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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