i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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