Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
