I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
