she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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