if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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